


Hara-Kiri

by SentientSliceofToast



Category: A Hat in Time (Video Game)
Genre: Gen, also i cant believe im writing this, but everyone headcanons this for the conductor, everyone other than the Conductor is only mentioned, i believe this is what everyone calls projecting onto the conductor, then again i can this is something i would write, this is slightly ooc
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2021-02-13
Updated: 2021-02-13
Packaged: 2021-03-13 10:33:39
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 450
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/29400585
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/SentientSliceofToast/pseuds/SentientSliceofToast
Summary: When the boards are stacked against him, the Conductor conceives a movie that will blow up the competition, if he can pull it off.
Comments: 2
Kudos: 9





	Hara-Kiri

**Author's Note:**

> My brain: do something productive.  
> Me: Conductor pain.  
> My brain: exCUSE me-  
> Me: cOnDuCtOr PaIn

_So_.

The Conductor clears his office desk with one violent swipe of his arm, and slams down a bottle.

_So_.

He haphazardly tosses his coat at the hook, missing it by a mile, and collapses onto the chair.

_DJ peck-neck_. That _DJ peck-neck_. Somehow, he’d gotten ahead. With _Picture Perfect_? That burning trash heap? Even _Grooves_ had acknowledged that the film wasn’t his best, and yet, it had still trumped Murder on the Owl Express by _undeniable_ odds.

There _had_ to be some foul play going on here. There _had_ to.

Yes. That’s it. The Conductor almost smiles.

So, the peck-neck’s finally cracked. How ironic. DJ Grooves, always the one to accuse the Conductor of stacking the boards, has done it himself.

A better bird than the Conductor would have returned the gesture. The Conductor isn’t a good bird by any means, but he won’t cheat. Not because of any silly moral scruples, of course. Cheating would mean admitting that the Conductor _needs_ to, which he doesn’t. He’s been winning for twenty years with nothing but pure talent. He’s certainly not about to break that record now.

(Even that one, rather disgraceful incident where he _had_ lost barely counted. If the Conductor _had_ entered a movie in that year, he would have won, no doubt about it.)

So, what _can_ he do? Murder on the Owl Express obviously wasn’t good enough to beat Grooves’ forged odds, so what _would_ be?

The Conductor lightly raps his claws on the desk in thought, taking a pensive sip out of his glass. It’s good whiskey.

Four glasses later, the Conductor has a brilliant idea.

He’ll shoot an action film. One that will knock every other movie in its genre out of park, because, unlike those, this one will be _real_.

Ohoho, he’s a _genius_. A _real_ action film. But now comes the real question, how will he pull it off? The Conductor wants danger, impossible danger, but how?

One more glass. Just one.

Finally, the solution strikes him.

This next movie will be the _bomb_ , that’s for sure.

The Conductor cackles in glee. DJ peck-neck won’t have a _chance_ with this one. On top of that, the star will be his best actor yet! That little girl will certainly pull a convincing performance.

But say she couldn’t make it in time…?

His brow furrows in thought. There’s definitely a _risk_ involved. Destroying the train would mean bringing down the owls, the little girl, and…

Himself.

The Conductor’s expression widens into a maddened grin. His circumstances couldn’t be better.

If the girl succeeded, and he pulled this off, DJ Grooves wouldn’t stand a chance.

And if the girl failed, well…

He wouldn’t exactly _mind_.

**Author's Note:**

> I've been paddling around the fandom for a while, and I'm pretty sure everyone headcanons the Conductor to be suicidal. I agree, but I like to imagine it's a little more low-key? Basically I'm projecting my own thoughts onto the train grandpa. You know, like, whenever I'm in a life-threatening situation (or more like my brain perceives that I'm in a life-threatening situation) my mentality is kinda like: If I live, that's great, and if I die, that's great too. It's not a healthy mentality to have, but I'm sorry to say it's realistic. :/  
> Cross-posted on Tumblr at: https://sentientsliceoftoast.tumblr.com/  
> Reviews make me happy.


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